


Now I Can't Tell You & Me Apart

by lemondriz



Category: VIXX
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28150926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemondriz/pseuds/lemondriz
Summary: Vignettes of Hakyeon and Hongbin's intertwined lives over the years, with Resemble being the background score to every fleeting but nevertheless defining moment.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Lee Hongbin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	Now I Can't Tell You & Me Apart

**Author's Note:**

> This one's a little heavy, I'm not gonna lie. It includes discussions of Hongbin's departure and post-idol life towards the latter half of the fic.
> 
> I had [Resemble](https://open.spotify.com/track/2ElpPwGjmZFQLLU5IoD3Pt) on repeat while writing this piece so that's really the only song I recommend listening to while reading. A lo-fi playlist works just as well, though.
> 
> I consider this fic my little ode to Hakyeon and Hongbin's relationship, I hope I did it justice. 
> 
> The title is from Resemble *surprise surprise* and the English lyrics have been picked up from [here.](https://kpop9977.com/2018/04/21/vixx-resemble-%EB%8B%AE%EC%95%84-lyrics-english-translation/)
> 
> Happy reading ♡

_Every time I walk back home with you  
_ _I keep smiling at what you say_

The bell above their local convenience store tinkles lightly as Hakyeon pulls Hongbin in with him, their fingers interlocked. 

“What are we doing here, hyung...” Hongbin whispers, shoulders hunched and attempting to hide his face behind Hakyeon’s back.

It’s the middle of the night, and Hakyeon has bribed Wonshik with snacks in exchange for keeping their managers at bay while he chases after Hongbin and calms him down. They’re going to be debuting soon, and things need to be perfect. Tensions have been running high and Hakyeon, while keeping up with his own training, has been praying none of them cave under the pressure.

It happened to Hongbin sooner rather than later, and Hakyeon was not going to let him crumble right before his eyes.

“To get ice cream, of course.” Hakyeon replies easily, dragging them to the ice box. “Pick whatever you like and wait at the counter, hyung needs to buy something for Wonshikkie.”

Hongbin looks at him as if he’s reluctant to let go, but then he hums in agreement and peers curiously at the range of ice-creams. 

Hakyeon ruffles his hair and refrains from cooing at him, instead smiling to himself and making his way to the chips section. 

When he meets Hongbin at the counter two minutes later, armed with Pringles for Wonshik, packets of ramyeon for the dorm and his own ice-cream, he finds Hongbin near the counter, playing with the hem of his shirt and keeping his gaze low. 

Hakyeon bites his lip in worry but nevertheless moves forward, alerting Hongbin of his presence. As he pays for their items, Hakyeon sees the ice-cream Hongbin picked. 

“Oh. We match!” he exclaims, smiling proudly as he lifts his own ice-cream. 

“Strawberry is not an uncommon flavour…” Hongbin mumbles, sliding an arm into Hakyeon’s and sticking close to him as they open up their wrappers and walk out the store.

Hakyeon doesn’t respond, too caught up in the way Hongbin’s side presses against his own. Walking is inconvenient this way, but he doesn’t have it in him to complain.  
  
“Thank you… for this.”

Hongbin’s ears are red, and he quickly licks at the ice-cream to have something to do, acting like he never spoke.

Hakyeon just smiles, squeezing their arms together playfully. 

“It’s not a problem. How are you feeling?”

Hongbin’s eyes are still red and his skin is pale after having cried so much, but as he nibbles at his ice-cream tentatively, Hakyeon can see some light returning to his round eyes. 

“Better.” Hongbin replies, and this time he flashes a genuine smile, shiny teeth on display.

Happiness has never looked better on anyone else, Hakyeon thinks, his own grin creeping up on his face. He knows it's short-lived, an infinite amount of scolding awaiting them when they get back, but he lets himself savour the moment.

They walk back together with the moon casting matching shadows in their wake. 

_\---_

_We face each other in the same phase of time  
_ _At the edge of my memory_

“Hongbin-ah! Hurry up! If you take any longer Wonshikkie will fall asleep in his own grime.” Jaehwan screams at the door of the bathroom, voice pitched unusually high.

“Hyunggg, I’m not _that_ dirty.” Wonshik pouts, sliding onto the sofa and leaning his full weight onto Sanghyuk, who just smiles awkwardly and tries not to move while he plays a game on his phone. 

“Yah, stop crushing the poor child.” Hakyeon admonishes, rubbing a towel over his wet hair and threatening to chuck it at an unsuspecting Wonshik. 

“Hongbin-ah! It’s been ten minutes!” Jaehwan yells again.

Hakyeon just sighs and sits on Sanghyuk’s other side.

Jaehwan huffs and attaches himself to Taekwoon in the kitchen, who is trying to make cornflakes for himself in peace. Ten seconds later, Taekwoon has Jaehwan by his wrists as he attempts to push the younger away, who is desperately going in for a mega-smooch attack. 

“How does he keep that act up even when the cameras are off?” Wonshik mutters to no one in particular, voice laced with awe.

Sanghyuk merely grunts in concentration and Hakyeon chuckles to himself. 

They’ve only debuted a week ago, and their dorm life is just as chaotic and fast-paced as time spent when promoting, but Hakyeon finds himself enjoying it more than he thought he would. Maybe it's the adrenaline from the lack of sleep and energy drinks, maybe it's them running on autopilot as they work hard to prove themselves as super rookies, maybe it’s their managers who seem to be at their necks 24x7, but this moment is the first time Hakyeon feels like they have a chance to just _breathe_.

Hakyeon just watches his brothers, drying his hair absently with a smile playing on his lips. Taekwoon has moved to the table and is feeding his cornflakes to Jaehwan just to shut him up, but Hakyeon doesn’t miss the way Taekwoon wipes the milk from the corner of Jaehwan’s lips, scolding him quietly. He sees Wonshik dozing off, still leaning against Sanghyuk, who is now playing his game with one hand while the other slowly pats the top of Wonshik’s hair. 

Hongbin finally steps out ten minutes later, dressed in pajamas, his hair looking even longer than usual now that it’s damp. Sanghyuk jostles Wonshik awake, who blinks his eyes open blearily and leaves to fetch his clothes and have his turn in the shower.  
  
“Sorry I took so long,” Hongbin mutters, having the decency to look sheepish. 

“Princess Hongbinnie~, Princess Hongbinnie~,” Jaehwan sing-songs, before crying out when Taekwoon jabs at his lips with another spoon full of cereal.

Sanghyuk gets up and heads to his room, and Hongbin takes his place, combing through his dark strands with nimble fingers.

“Why are you like this, hyung?” he groans, shaking his head and looking very much like a wet puppy.

“You look so pretty Binnie~,” Jaehwan screams in glee. 

Hongbin just sends him his best death glare and goes back to towel-drying his hair. 

“He’s not wrong.” Hakyeon says quietly, holding back a laugh.

Hongbin’s eyes widen dramatically in horror. “Not you too, hyung.”

“What? I’m being serious. Your hair really suits you.”

“It looks like a nest on the best of days and a mop on the worst of days, don’t play with me right now.”

Hakyeon just sighs and shakes his head. 

They sit side by side on the couch in silence, the only sound being Taekwoon finishing the rest of his cornflakes while Jaehwan lays his head on the dining table, finally having exhausted all his energy.

“Look, we match.” Hakyeon laughs, holding out his towel and gesturing to Hongbin’s own.

“We only have white towels in this dorm, hyung. Of course we match.” Hongbin says, rolling his eyes. He looks down at the floor, a chuckle escaping his lips, but it comes out strained. 

Hakyeon doesn’t need to ask what’s wrong. He’s seen Hongbin improve right before his very eyes, seen him stutter and fall and pick himself back up, seen him wipe away angry tears as he chokes back sobs, re-starting the choreo for the umpteenth time. 

He simply knows. He sees it in the way Hongbin’s hands tremble, the way his smiles don’t stretch as wide as they normally do, the way his eyes quiver as they listen intently to their trainers.

“You did well today,” he whispers, loud enough for only them to hear. 

Hakyeon supposes he doesn’t need to tell him. Their dance coach and CEO already showered praises on them today and let them have the rest of the evening off. 

But when Hongbin turns to him in disbelief, eyes quivering again, Hakyeon feels his heart squeeze painfully in his chest.

“Really?” he whispers back, so quiet that Hakyeon has to lean forward to hear. 

“Of course, Hongbinnie. Of course. You did well today. You’ll do well tomorrow and even the day after that.”

Hakyeon is determined to not have his younger brother run out on him ever again. Not before he sees all the things in him that everyone else sees.

Hongbin bites his lip, tears pooling in his eyes, and Hakyeon knows they’re both remembering that day a month before their debut showcase. 

“I’m so sorry for scaring all of you. I won’t do that again, I didn’t mean to worry anyone-”

Hakyeon pulls him in for a hug. “Shhh. You made it. We made it, together. We’re in this together now.” 

Hongbin lets out a sob and buries his head in the crook of Hakyeon’s neck, letting the older stroke his wet hair in careful caresses. 

The next day, Hongbin jokes around in the van on the way to another music show, eyes bright and mischievous with Sanghyuk cackling at everything he says. 

Jaehwan has his ahjumma voice on yet again, and in between the chaos, Hakyeon meets Hongbin’s gaze in the rear view mirror.

The corner of Hongbin’s lips turn up awkwardly in what Hakyeon assumes to be a thankful smile, but the moment is gone when Sanghyuk pulls him into another conversation. 

They had fallen asleep together on the couch the previous night, legs tangled and necks bent painfully, and Hongbin’s face had been a brilliant shade of red when he woke up, scuttling back to his room before Hakyeon could say anything.

Hakyeon smiles quietly to himself, settling into the passenger seat and closing his eyes before the whirlwind of promotions begin all over again.

\---

_You and I have passed so many deep nights  
_ _Amidst a haze of countless people  
_ _And even if we don’t say anything…_

Their Live Fantasia Hex Sign in Osaka ended an hour ago, and despite still running on the high of the concert, the members are more than happy to retire for the night and get some much needed rest before they are herded to the next city. 

Hongbin’s knees bump against Hyuk’s in the small van as they ride back to the hotel, and since they’ve been informed that they’ve been allowed three bedrooms, they play a game of rock paper scissors to determine who pairs off with who. 

Much to Hongbin’s chagrin, he ends up with Hakyeon. He can’t quite meet his eyes as they lug their bags into the hotel room. 

Their manager visits their rooms and checks if they need anything before leaving them for the night. Hongbin watches him go forlornly, and immediately calls first dibs on the bathroom while Hakyeon unpacks his things.

No matter how cold the spray of the shower is, he can’t get the image of barred teeth and silvery hair out of his mind.

He gives up after several minutes, turning off the shower and putting on pajamas before dragging his feet to his bed. 

Hakyeon is scrolling through his phone and lying on his side on the bed, facing away, and Hongbin quietly slips in. Maybe if he doesn’t make too much noise, they won’t have to speak at all. 

The sheets ruffle and Hakyeon turns, eyes bright and expectant. 

“You can use the shower, hyung,” Hongbin mumbles, averting his gaze and settling in as comfortably as possible.

Hakyeon hums in acknowledgment but makes no move to get up, instead tucking his head into the bend of his arm.

Hongbin turns to face him at the same time Hakyeon raises a hand to card through Hongbin’s damp hair.

Hongbin has to try not to visibly gulp, unable to look away from fiery eyes framed by silver hair. 

“I didn’t…” Hongbin’s voice catches in his throat for a second. “I hope I didn’t look too nervous… on stage tonight.”

Hakyeon just shakes his head, fingers moving deftly. 

“No, you looked great and danced really well. Don’t doubt yourself.”

Hongbin isn’t sure if it’s a trick of the light or if Hakyeon’s gaze actually lingers on his mouth. 

“You do seem nervous right now, however.” Hakyeon murmurs, leaning in closer, hand coming to rest on Hongbin’s cheek. 

Hongbin is sure he can feel the heat radiating off his face.

“I’m-I’m not nervous, why would I be?” he says hurriedly, voice cracking.

Hakyeon just smiles, brushing his thumb across his cheekbone, his touch feather-light. 

“Don’t worry, hyung is here.” he whispers, and the next thing Hongbin knows is the pressure of lips on his own, the same ones which have been plaguing his dreams ever since they started practicing for their stage. 

A voice at the back of his head tells him that none of his thoughts can come close to the real deal. 

Hongbin supposes he should have seen this coming. He isn’t stupid. He knows the difference between a professional performance and genuine feelings that slip through the cracks of carefully crafted facial features. He knows that he wouldn’t be in this position if he were to perform Toxic with any of the other members.

What he feels right now is so much more intense, so much more explosive than what he thought he felt on stage. Just hours ago, it felt like there was no one else in the auditorium except the two of them, Hakyeon tipping back his head and looking at him like he wanted nothing more than to mark him. 

Now, in the quiet confines of their hotel room, rain slowly starts to beat down their window, and Hongbin tentatively runs his fingers through soft silvery strands. The sense of deja vu is so strong when Hakyeon pulls his head back that it’s almost overwhelming, and Hongbin struggles to not cry out in pleasure while the older leaves burning bruises on his neck. 

Something shifts between them that night. Hongbin finds himself in Hakyeon’s bedroom at the dorms more often than not, feet dragging him of their own accord. Hakyeon welcomes him with open arms each and every time, each kiss a promise, each scorching touch a reminder, each purple bruise on his flesh grounding him. He lets Hakyeon sing praises about his vocal and dance improvements by day, and whisper words of worship about his pretty moans and quick thrusts at night. 

He doesn’t ask what it all means, he doesn’t feel like he’s supposed to. What they have is so easy to fall into and Hongbin often wonders how they didn’t do this sooner. But it's also just as easy to shatter. He knows the implications, he knows that talking about it will just lead to heartbreak. So he lets himself stew in what little he’s allowed behind closed doors.

Hongbin realises he doesn’t need much else to feel tethered to this life that he chose for himself.

\---

_It feels as if our conversations are stamped on everything in the world_

After an exhausting day of walking around and consuming the numerous sights and delicacies of Pai, Thailand, the cameras turn off and staff disperse, their managers leaving them to retire for the night at long last. Hakyeon and Hongbin trudge their way up to their tree house, cool night air whipping past their ruffled bangs.

“I’m so full, I feel like I can give birth any second.” Hongbin says as he plops unceremoniously onto his mattress, stretching his limbs out as he falls, kicking off his sneakers which fly in different directions. 

“The climb up the tree itself is a workout, no need to be a drama queen.” Hakyeon snorts, stretching a bit before taking off his own shoes and placing them near the foot of his mattress.

Hogbin doesn’t reply, merely grunting in response and curling up on his side. 

Hakyeon massages the muscles at the nape of his neck, eyeing Hongbin thoughtfully. He approaches him, kneeling down on the cot and edging Hongbin to the side with his butt.

“Make room for me, Binnie~” Hakyeon coos through gritted teeth as Hongbin shrieks. 

“Harassment! Harassment! Stop this madness before I shove you against the tree trunk.” Hongbin wheezes out, hands coming forward to keep Hakyeon at bay. 

Hakyeon, with one last burst of strength, effectively pushes Hongbin to the side and flops down on the now available space. His head falls on the pillow and Hongbin splutters, spitting out the strands that accidentally fall into his mouth. 

“First you invade my privacy and now you make me taste your sweaty hair, I’m booking a flight back to Seoul right this moment, please don’t follow me.” Hongbin chides, attempting to sit up.

Hakyeon just giggles, pulling Hongbin back down easily by the waist.

“You’re such a baby. But you’re _my_ baby.”

Hongbin gags at the comment, rolling around and taking Hakyeon with him, who refuses to loosen his grip.

Eventually, Hongbin tires himself out and lies on his back, a Hakyeon-shaped koala clinging to him, and stares at the ceiling in defeat. 

“Oh, look, our socks match!” Hakyeon exclaims, looking down. He wiggles his toes and pushes Hongbin’s feet with them playfully. 

“Wow, who would have thought? White socks are so difficult to find! This must be destiny.” Hongbin exclaims in mock-surprise, trying his best not to roll his eyes. 

“See? We’re fated for each other. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Not even for the night? The ventilation is not the greatest up here and I’m kind of sweating buckets.”

“Hmm, let me think about it. The answer is no.”

“Fuck you, you didn’t even pretend to wait for a second.”

“Hey, watch your tone!” Hakyeon yelps, pulling the pillow out from under both of their heads and whacking Hongbin as much as he can. 

Hongbin screams in delight as he tries to get away, and Hakyeon can’t help but laugh along with him. 

Tiredness finally settles into their bones, and with the lights off, they lie side by side on Hongbin’s tiny mattress. Moonlight spills in from the crooked window of their tree house, casting shadows on their skin. A gentle breeze whistles past them, and the weather is humid, but neither of them attempt to move apart despite this stickiness. 

Hongbin’s eyes are drooping and Hakyeon feels his own body slump as sleep starts to take over him. 

“We’re going to watch the sunrise in a few hours, Binnie. It’s going to be so pretty.” he mumbles, cheek pushed up against the pillow.

Hongbin’s eyes flutter at the sound and he nods. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, hyung.”

Hakyeon smiles with his eyes shut, and right before he drifts off, he thinks he feels a hand gently squeeze his own. 

\---

_At the end of each day I looked back  
_ _At the journey I took with you_

“How does it feel to know that you won’t have hair tomorrow?”

Hakyeon sips on his glass of red wine slowly, rolling his eyes at Hongbin’s statement. 

After a satisfying meal at Hakyeon’s apartment coupled with wine, hugs and loving jabs from all his members, the lot of them except Hongbin decided to call it a night and bid Hakyeon a fond goodbye one last time. 

Now, with the clock ticking way past midnight, Hakyeon and Hongbin sit on opposite ends of the couch as they mirror each other, partially wine drunk, though they continue drinking with the excuse that ‘they don’t want Taekwoon’s precious gift to go to waste’.

“Oddly freeing, to be honest.” Hakyeon replies, choosing to indulge in one last round of nonsense before he’s shucked off to the military the next day. 

“You won’t even know that until it’s actually cut off.” Hongbin points out.

“Well it’s not like I’m going to be literally bald, Bin. Why are you asking me, anyways? Are you curious about how it’ll feel when it’s your turn?” Hakyeon asks, hiding a smirk behind the rim of his glass.

Hongbin just scoffs. “Please, there’s still a long, long time before I’m called in. I don’t plan on finding out what it’s like to be _bald_ or get entrapped in military hell any time soon.”

Hakyeon chuckles in spite of himself. 

“Really comforting, Hongbin. Such perfect timing.”

Hongbin makes a face at that. “Sorry. Well, you know what I mean. You can’t delay it since you’re old as balls but I’m still in the prime of my youth.”

“Ah right, of course. Pretty soon I’m going to be spending my retirement days in the military while you meet a different man every week like the icon of youth that you are.”

“Bold of you to assume that I’ll get out of my house.” Hongbin mutters behind his drink and Hakyeon suppresses his laugh. 

“Seriously though, you should look around, meet some people… who knows?”

The air around them suddenly feels thick and Hongbin takes an extra large gulp of wine. 

“Who knows what?” he asks, no trace of humour to be seen in his eyes.

Hakyeon just shrugs, looking at the grapefruit and mangosteen candle burning away at the centre of the coffee table. “You know what I mean. See how things go? Something good could come out of it and either way, it’s always good to see new faces. I’m just saying… you should keep an open mind.”

“Hyung, are you pimping me out?” Hongbin asks with a short laugh. 

“Of course not. It’s just a suggestion.”

Hongbin doesn’t respond for a few minutes, and Hakyeon worries if he said the wrong thing. 

“I don’t want to meet anyone new. I’m not that impatient. Can you please give me some credit?”

Hakyeon meets Hongbin’s eyes, surprised to see that they’re uncharacteristically hard. 

“Hongbin, that’s not what I meant-"

“No, I know what you mean.” he swallows, averting his gaze. He takes a deep breath before speaking again. 

“I know that we haven’t really discussed anything. And maybe now is not the best time, especially with you leaving for almost two years. But, hyung,” Hongbin’s round eyes sparkle with the reflection from the lamp behind Hakyeon, and the sight catches him off guard. 

“I will wait for you, as long as it takes.” Hongbin finishes quietly. 

Hakyeon blinks several times, processing the words, chewing them slowly to make sense of them, until he feels a slow smile spreading on his lips.

He places his glass on the table and leans forward to pluck out Hongbin’s to do the same, Hongbin responding with a confused squeak, and closes the distance with a hand cupping the side of Hongbin’s face. 

They don’t move, not really. Hongbin’s hand comes up to grip the back of Hakyeon’s shirt while Hakyeon tilts his head, deepening the kiss by just a fraction. It’s slow and languid, and if they keep going at this very pace, Hakyeon can almost pretend that they don’t have to part tomorrow.

When they pull apart, Hakyeon sits back with their knees bumping. He can’t stop staring at Hongbin’s bitten lips and the rosy tint of his cheeks.

“I’ll be back as fast as I can.” Hakyeon says, smile widening despite slight tears forming in his eyes.

“I can always come visit you, and then we can hatch an escape plan to get you out.” Hongbin says a little breathlessly.

Hakyeon merely laughs, wiping at his eyes and sighing. 

“I look forward to it.”

\---

_Even though I spend my days differently  
_ _I’m starting to resemble you more and more_

Hongbin stretches in his gaming chair after a full 14 hours of Apex Legends. He eyes the empty cans of Red Bull littered around his feet and huffs, slumping back in his seat as the large monitor fades to black. He stares at his reflection on the screen for a little bit. His hair has finally started to grow out a little, and the lines on his face are more prominent despite the chubbiness that clings to his cheeks. 

There’s no such thing as dieting in the military, after all. 

He’s only been back for two weeks, and the sudden quietness of his apartment is tough to adjust to after spending every waking moment with his platoon mates. He’s nevertheless happy to be back, to have his own private space, excellent WiFi and unlimited take out.

He’s about to retire for bed at the perfectly reasonable time of seven in the evening when his doorbell rings. 

Hongbin’s eyebrows furrow at the sound. He met his parents a week ago and his handful of friends just two days ago.

He gets up regardless with a grunt, stretching again before shutting the door to hide the abysmal state of his bedroom.

The last few months of army life had been tough on Hongbin, and somehow with the minimal number of meet-ups and even fewer virtual conversations, he hadn’t really kept in touch with his ex-members. He didn’t let himself think too much about it. They were all busy with their own projects; movies, tv shows, albums, variety shows and enlistments. Hongbin sometimes thinks that it was inevitable. Of course they would support each other and provide help if anyone ever reached out, but who wanted to be a burden after all these years? Distance and time apart played huge factors, and despite there being no bad blood over what happened before he enlisted, things were just different now. 

So when he opens his front door and sees Cha Hakyeon, in the flesh, he feels like he’s seeing a ghost. 

Said ghost looks good. Really fucking good. He’s got on a caramel trench coat with a simple crisp white shirt underneath, black slacks, loafers, and his hair is styled up in a way that makes it look effortlessly casual. 

Hongbin, still reeling at the fact that he’s seeing this man for the first time in years, suddenly becomes hyper-aware of his horrible over-sized t-shirt and sweatpants combo. 

“Hi, sorry I didn’t call before coming.” Hakyeon says, a glint in his eyes which shows he’s not very sorry at all. 

“Oh” is all Hongbin can say. He blinks several times, not quite sure how to speak suddenly. 

Hakyeon seems to sense his discomfort and just laughs. “I was in the area for a shoot and remembered you’ve been discharged for a while. I just thought I’d show up and take my chances. Maybe we could catch up over a drink or two?”

Hongbin just stands there dumbly, letting Hakyeon into his apartment. 

“Uh, yeah, sure. I mean, yes. We can. Um, let me just take a shower and change first.” he finally manages to blurt out. He feels like his eyes are playing tricks, like he's simply imagining that Hakyeon is here and leaning against his kitchen counter, looking so perfect and put together. Just as he turns to make a beeline for his bedroom, he pauses and turns to look back at him.

“It’s good to see you again, hyung.” he says, sincerity dripping from his words, and he exits the room before Hakyeon has a chance to reply.

He gets ready in record time and they leave the apartment complex together, Hongbin pausing to check his reflection one last time in the floor length mirror in the lobby. 

If Hakyeon wants to tease him, he doesn’t, and Hongbin is grateful. 

As they walk down the street to Hongbin’s favourite secluded pub, he realises too late that he’d subconsciously dressed in a grey coat and black trousers, outfit strangely mirroring Hakyeon’s.

\---

_Don’t worry too much about the days gone by  
_ _We just have to walk again on the road we walked on_

They sit across each other at a small table, the only patrons at this time. Hongbin likes this place because the servers don’t bother him and the prices are reasonable enough to satisfy his miserly ass. 

Hakyeon doesn’t really fit in with his fancy coat and silver watch, too stark, too beautiful against this mundane backdrop, but he mans the grill and pours soju for them both with practised hands, clearly not minding their surroundings. 

Conversation flows easily, not that either of them are too surprised by it. Hongbin is sure that catching up with the other members would be just as easy, if not easier. Nostalgia hovers in the air between them and the feeling isn’t entirely unwelcome.

Despite Hongbin being exhausted previously, they talk about everything and nothing, about Hongbin’s recently completed service, about Hakeyon’s latest movie. They talk about their members and what they’ve been up to. 

Hakyeon busies himself with making a lettuce wrap while Hongbin tips back his shot glass. 

“You’ve not really been responding in the group chat.” Hakyeon comments off-handedly, eyes focused on the task at hand.

Hongbin sets his glass down and reaches for a fresh bottle to refill it, shrugging noncommittally. 

“Things got hectic, I guess. We’ve all been busy.” he supplies, filling Hakyeon’s glass as well.

Hakyeon simply hums, and let’s a comfortable silence rest between them. 

“I’m glad I caught you at a good time, your streaming hours are too bizarre and unpredictable for an old man like me.” he says after a couple of minutes. 

Hongbin almost snorts at that but stops himself. “You watch my streams?” he chooses to ask instead. 

“Yeah, of course, whenever I find the time to.” Hakyeon replies earnestly. “I kind of clock out after the first fifteen minutes though, sorry about that.”

Hongbin is startled by the revelation. Warmth blooms in his chest and he tries to shake off the alien feeling. 

VIXX is still on hiatus, and Hongbin finds himself wondering what their next steps are. He wants to ask, but he feels like it’s not something he can discuss with them anymore. It’s not related to his work, anyways, and he knows all too well about non-disclosure policies. 

They clink their glasses together, downing their shots. 

“I can’t even remember the last time we met” he mumbles, tilting his head. He enlisted two months before Hakyeon was discharged, and they probably met once when Hongbin had a day off. That would have been at least a year and a half ago. 

“It’s a bit blurry for me too, to be honest. So much has happened since then. So many changes.” Hakyeon replies thoughtfully, resting his elbows on the table and leaning into his arm.

“Yeah. Major changes.” Hongbin agrees, shoving meat into his mouth. He tries not to let the bitterness seep into his voice. 

He swallows, and startles when he sees a neatly wrapped piece of lettuce right before his face. 

“Come on, open up~” Hakyeon says, voice melodic, and the sight is so ridiculous that Hongbin barks out a laugh. 

“Hyung, really?” he asks, colour rising to his cheeks, but Hakyeon isn’t moving away any time soon. He sighs heavily and complies, opening his mouth to let Hakyeon feed him.

“Just like the good old days.” Hakyeon says with a small smile. “How is it?” 

Hongbin chews slowly, trying to brush off the nostalgia that’s hit him like a truck. “It tastes good. Just how I like it.”

Hakyeon flashes a bright smile at that. “See! My memory is not failing me!”

Hongbin just chuckles at that, and when they clink their glasses together again, he feels some of the tension bleed out from his shoulders.

Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s Hakyeon’s familiarity or maybe it’s a combination of the two, but Hongbin lets out a happy sigh when he’s sure Hakyeon’s not paying attention.

They find themselves walking along the quiet suburban streets hours later, armed with ice-creams despite the February chill.

“I see you’re still a strawberry ice-cream kinda guy.” Hongbin comments.

“Yeah, you too, clearly.” Hakyeon replies easily.

They find a bench which overlooks a fountain after disposing off the wrappers and they sit down, not really speaking much as they appreciate the lights dancing across the waters.

“You know I don’t blame you, right, Hongbin?” Hakyeon asks quietly, hands stuffed into his pockets. 

Hongbin turns to look at him, fascinated by the way the fountain lights reflect like stars in Hakyeon’s eyes. 

“I know, hyung. You know how I feel, too. There are no hard feelings, at least not any more.” 

“The military does that to you. Really gives you time away and a chance to take a step back and let go of things that are actually not worth losing sleep over.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I was so caught up in trying to make it out of there in one piece, I didn’t really have time to brood. Well, initially maybe, but definitely not towards the end.”

Hakyeon huffs out a laugh and turns, meeting his gaze. 

“You seem happier now, I’m glad.”

 _Is_ Hongbin happier? He supposes he is. He doesn’t have that impossibly heavy burden on his shoulders anymore. He doesn’t have to worry about what some random tabloid will say about him, he doesn’t have to worry about letting anyone down. He misses his members from time to time, but he’s made his peace. Life goes on, and Hongbin’s is no exception. 

“I guess I am. I would say the same about you but you haven’t really changed. You've always seemed so organised and settled.”

Hakyeon’s eyes crinkle in amusement and he shakes his head. “I wasn't always like that. I was your leader and I was the oldest, of course I had to appear 'perfectly put together'. As for now, though, I guess the early 30s has that effect.”

Hongbin doesn’t know what prompts him to speak next, but the words are out of his lips before he has a chance to dwell on them for too long. “It’s a good look on you.”

Hakyeon’s eyebrows furrow at that. “What is?”

“Your 30s.” Hongbin replies as nonchalantly as possible.

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow at that, a playful smirk on his lips, and Hongbin ducks his head shyly.

“Ever the teenager, I see,” Hakyeon says, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

“Hey, I may be older now but I’m _still_ the icon of youth.”

“I never denied that.” Hakyeon gives in easily. “You look good too, by the way. Got that post-military glow going for you.”

“That’s a nice way to refer to my round face,” Hongbin snorts, ignoring the way his chest seizes at the compliment. 

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” Hakyeon says, his voice quiet but firm.

Hongbin just nods, swallowing, and their eyes meet.

Maybe Hongbin is hallucinating, but Hakyeon’s eyelids are drooping down, and he finds himself gazing at his lips every minute or so.

When they both lean in at the same time, after a seemingly long stretch of time, Hongbin feels like he's unlocked a memory that he had buried deep in the recesses of his mind.

Hakyeon tastes of longing, strawberries, and _home,_ and the feeling is so overwhelming yet addictive at the same time that Hongbin finds himself chasing after it. 

The air is cold, the breeze biting at faces, and they instinctively press into each other to huddle for warmth. When Hakyeon’s tongue slips past his lips, he holds back from releasing a relieved sigh. They grip at each other’s coats and kiss like lovers who have been reunited after years. 

Hongbin supposes their situation is not so different. 

A notification sound cuts through the air and the moment is broken, Hakyeon pulling back to check his phone. 

“I have to head back soon. I’m travelling tomorrow morning.” he says, sighing, and Hongbin lets himself believe that it's wistful. 

It isn’t that hard to pretend when Hakyeon slots their lips together again.

\---

_I miss you so I roll the tape. I fill myself with you  
_ _Now I can’t tell you and me apart_

Hakyeon calls a cab for himself, and while they wait for it to arrive, he slips his fingers into Hongbin’s.

“Do you remember what you told me, the night before I enlisted?” he asks quietly.

Of course Hongbin remembers. He doesn’t think any amount of alcohol can take that away from him. 

“I said I’d wait for you.” he replies just as softly, eyeing their intertwined fingers.

“For as long as it takes.” Hakyeon finishes for him. “I don’t want to be selfish and you don’t need to tell me just yet. We both know how different and new things are now. But, does it still apply?”

Hongbin’s throat constricts painfully and he has to swallow heavily before speaking up.

“That’s one thing that hasn’t changed, hyung. I don’t think I’ll ever stop waiting.”

Hakyeon looks at him with an unreadable expression, and before Hongbin can try to assess it, Hakyeon steals his lips for one last kiss.

He leaves shortly after with the promise to text him. Hongbin’s not sure what exactly that entails, but he leaves that for future-Hongbin to deal with.

He walks back home slowly, alone, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He watches as the smoke clouds the cold air, the taste of strawberries still lingering on his tongue and wills himself to commit the flavour to memory. 

He changes into an old t-shirt and shorts and settles into bed as soon as he’s home. Things have been uncertain in his life for the longest time. But now, as he pillows his head and curls up, the promise of a simple text still echoing in his mind, he finds himself breathing easier as he falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> You're welcome to come chat on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chabeannie) ♡
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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